Dating and sex
Always a difficult subject this one.
You can't get away from it, dating and sex are inextricably interlinked.
If you are meeting people romantically at some point you will
want to go to bed with each other. For those who are religious,
sex will remain within the boundaries of marriage. For many others
sex is initially a test of compatibility - a big one. If you don't
get on well in bed, you won't be going much further. Modern generations
are sexually demanding, they know how to give and receive pleasure
and expect the same in return.
If you have certain sexual outlooks
and preferences you actively seek the same. There is no stigma
about this, the fact is, we are guided in our choices by our sexual
view of the world. If we are shy or sex does not play a big part
in our world then we may actively seek someone similar. There
is no point dating a stallion if we don't enjoy sex. Then again
if we are shy, maybe we are seeking a teacher. Marrying someone
as a virgin is often now seen as too risky in the bigger scheme
of things due to the risk of sexual incompatibility.
The importance of sexual compatibility
cannot be underestimated. For years to come you want to be stimulated
by your partner and you stimulate them. The desire needs to be
there otherwise your relationship may feel that it is lacking.
A special closeness may be lost. Let us be clear however, we are
not necessarily talking about penetrative sex. There are many
forms of sexual behavior and I refer only to our compatibility,
in whatever form it may take. If we are to share each other's
bed, so we need to want to be in that bed next to the person we
choose. Therefore, for those who say that sex is not important,
then their partner must feel the same way too.
I once took a survey in our office
of whether men liked to give oral sex to their partners. Two of
the men said that their girlfriends did not like it and they themselves
did not enjoy giving it. The girls in our office were astounded
and laughed saying that this cannot be true. They argued that
the women probably did enjoy it but it was the men who did not
enjoy giving that pleasure. I don't have the answers in this example
except to suggest that the women were probably right and that
here we were seeing a one-sided view of sexual compatibility in
the two relationships mentioned.
Another issue worth mentioning
is the ease in which sex frequently occurs in the early dates.
This is a great shame. Certainly from a woman's point of view,
however emancipated you may be, your greatest weapon and gift
is your body. A man who is attracted to you will want to sleep
with you, yes. However if you really want that man and would like
to build a relationship it is absolutely essential that you do
not sleep with him in the early stages. Desire over a longer period
will capture the feelings and interest of a man. His emotions
and feelings will become heightened the more elusive you are sexually.
There is absolutely no gain to be had in having sex on the first
few dates unless your aim is purely sexual too.
I cannot spell this out too strongly.
If you want to win a man's heart, do not sleep with him immediately.
An honest man will tell you that if you have sex with a girl on
a first date, you may enjoy it, but you are almost certain not
to want to date her because you were simply too easy. Men are
hunters, then enjoy the chase, and the longer it goes on, the
greater the respect and the more likely you will win his heart.
Within limits - too long and you may lose him! he is a man, not
a saint. I admit that this sounds like a sermon, but it is a tactic
that works. If you simply want sex then fine, but if you want
a relationship, hold off.
Guys, if all you want is sex, then
do the lady a favor and go and pay for a magazine. You will tell
her whatever she wants to hear to get her into bed. You can be
slick, calculating and tell amazing lies but the following morning
you will simply be seen for what you are, a lizard. The fact is,
if you are a guy and reading this hopefully you are looking to
date properly and are not looking for cheap thrills. In which
case great. But do your dates a favor and back off from pressuring
for sex in the early stages. Being sexy does not mean wanting
sex. And another tip guys, leave the sex talk for later, especially
in the early stages of dating. It comes across as sleazy and manipulative.
And finally. The first time you
sleep together will be amazing if there is great anticipation
and build up but can equally be an absolute disaster. Frequently
it is the latter. It takes time to get to know each other in bed
so take your time and never base the quality of sex on that very
first time. Things can change and get a whole lot better. This
is where your communication skills will be at their most important.
Recommended dating sites: (because they have more members and better quality service at an affordable price $15-$25 per month)
Monday, June 26, 2006
Its happens to us all from time to time and
it is the bad part about dating. Getting dumped is about someone who you
spent time with who doesn't want a close relationship anymore. On almost
all occasions, when you get dumped, it comes as a surprise, a nasty surprise.
Looking back you think to yourself, well I could see that coming really.
But at the time, you were not prepared.
On almost every occasion you get dumped,
the person who has dumped you has been thinking of doing it for longer
than you imagine. It appears they suddenly dumped you after an argument
or some minor incident but actually, they have been playing the scenario
out in their heads for quite a while. When people spontaneously try and
dump you, they make a hash of it. It goes wrong. If someone has practiced
the scenario they won't be swayed and will try and convince you to see
life from their point of view. Which is dreadful.
Being dumped usually happens when you least
expect it and its possible that you were almost dumped a week or two earlier
when your other half went through the motions but didn't actually quite
have the nerve to see things through. It was almost like a Practise session.
Then when it finally does come, its gentle and firm and clear. This person
doesn't want to be with you anymore. They are detached when they speak
because they need to be. They have to detach themselves from emotion not
because they don't have any feelings, but because this is what it takes
to walk away.
The person who is dumping you has temporarily
learned to cope with shutting feelings out so that they can deal with
saying good-bye. To be honest though, their emotional state may be fraught
but it is backed up by a sense of escape and release and so they are feeling
very different emotions from you. They are feeling that they need to get
this conversation over and done with and want you to accept the situation
as gracefully as possible.
Certainly the person dumping you is being
heartless in some ways and they don't have your interests at heart, only
their own, which is why they often try and sugar coat the situation by
telling you how your future will be so positive without them and how they
are a negative influence on you and the worst two of the lot, "you
deserve better than me" and "shall we be good friends".
Both of those lines are cheap, meaningless and sometimes very shallow.
In the same way, telling you that you will continue to "see"
your ex and remain good buddies, is utter nonsense. The world has just
changed for good.
The first thing that springs to mind when
you are dumped is just how ridiculous are the reasons you are given. On
almost ALL occasions, they are not telling you the truth. Why? Because
ironically they are trying to spare your feelings. Well now, they have
just take away your trust, your faith, your romantic life in its entirety,
even your planned future. But They are trying to spare your feelings.
These people are bastards, make no mistake.
The amount of lies told to you in one 30
minute period will never be as many as when you are being dumped. I hate
the leeches who dump you over dinner in a restaurant, or at a party so
that you can say less. Their hope is damage limitation to try and get
away without "having a scene". I remember one girl, Angela,
who dumped me by email. That was probably as low as anyone can stoop.
I suppose the phone is as bad, or a note, or through a friend. But remember
that most people are cowards. I'd always prefer to know the truth.
The one thing that stands out about being
dumped more than anything else, is when one receives no explanation. Oh,
you may be given one, but be sure that isn't the real reason my friends.
No, you will be given the most trivial of reasons, or worse "it's
not you, it's me" Which actually means, "its you". They
simply won't tell you why though, because they are scared. Now I can argue
this is a positive thing because by being scared of hurting you, there
is some semblance of respect still present. And that has to be positive.
However there is no future in having any further contact with this person
and I firmly recommend when someone walks out of your life, it is for
ever. (I know its different if you have children and I won't address that
Now scientists tell us that when you are
dumped you undergo almost exactly the same set of physiological and psychological
reactions as bereavement. Clearly if you have been seeing someone for
3 weeks and they decide you are not for them, your feelings are hurt,
but nothing more. But, once a relationship has formed and the person walks
out of your life then that person may as well have died. Because you will
react in the same way.
What I mean but the is is that it is entirely
correct and fitting that you want to lock yourself away for a while, to
undergo a period of mourning. You have to come to terms with what has
happened and that the relationship is finally over. This in fact can take
months or years. Your friends will provide you with a support infrastructure
and whilst they are well meaning and want you to return to your positive
self, be prepared for it taking some time.
You could start dating again but these dates
won't lead to anything immediately, not until you are psychologically
ready. Personally and privately, I believe that it is only when you are
angry with the person who dumped you, even to the point of hating them,
before you can get over them. You may think that's too strong, but out
of anger often comes clarity of mind. Still loving them is not the way
forward. In years to come you may respect them and love their memory,
but certainly not now no.
When someone dumps you, they generally mean
it and it has taken them a lot of thinking to go through with it. So do
not hope they will change their mind, they won't. You will feel betrayed
and deceived and you are right. They played with your feelings. But then
everyone has a right to leave and no one has the right to stay imprisoned
in a relationship they don't want. So it is your own acceptance of the
situation that is the most important thing here.
In fact you are the most important thing
in the equation. The person who just dumped you no longer matters. Life
becomes about you again and what you want. You are the director of your
own movie , your life, so you hire and fire the cast and crew as you like.
If they dumped you, mentally dump them too. But don't dwell on revenge
as down that path lays madness awaiting. No, you do need to move on, but
only when you are ready and only down the path you choose.
Getting some revenge is an immediate afterthought,
because you want to feel the satisfaction of getting even. Of hurting
them like they hurt you. But all you do if you publicly display revenge,
is look somewhat pathetic. I do not advocate revenge in that way. The
best way for any revenge is to get even in a constructive way that leaves
your dumper looking like the fool. I remember being dumped by an ex, only
to leave the city and get a glamorous job abroad a few weeks later and
letting her know it. That gave me the satisfaction of knowing we were
even. Life moved on.
Being dumped is an awkward mess that hurts
us and cannot be trivialized. It means that the person we entrusted with
our souls has turned round and said they don't want it. It makes us feel
cheap and worthless and unwanted. We don't want other fish in the sea,
we wanted them. But its too late, its over.
Sunday, April 16, 2006
Of course dating in many countries is not the most common term, in areas of the UK we still see people using terms like "courting", "going out with", "stepping out with" or "seeing". All terms have the same function, which is to describe a higher level of meeting with a person than just friendship.
A few generations ago we would have determined dating as a courtship ritual leading to marriage and however much you my wish to disagree with me, hidden underneath our modern methods today, that is generally still the goal of most people. Dating for the sake of it is becoming more widespread, almost like a sport, but the vast majority of people dating are dating for fun and at the same time dating with a more serious intent too.
We are a great deal more traditional about dating than we care to admit. It is till often the case that a man will ask the permission of the partner's parent to marry their daughter. A very traditional gesture. It is also worth making a note that in Moslem and Arab traditions, dating is seen even by many of the young as interfering with the concept of family an dating is seen as threatening. With the influences of the West, of course dating is starting to invade every culture but do not think it is socially accepted everywhere. Do not forget either that in arranged marriage cultures, many men and women do have the chance to say 'no' to prospective partners, even thought the West often chooses not to accept that.
The purpose of dating is to meet someone we like on a romantic and personal level but dating can also mean casual sex too. Lets not be high handed here, there are plenty of people of both sexes for which dating is nothing more than physical contact. This can be due to age, attitude and outlook as well as desire. Its easy to take the moral high ground but people like to experiment sexually and like to find out just how compatible they are with someone else as much as about themselves physically before thinking about committing to someone. An to be honest why not. First sex on a wedding night is a romantic notion of decades past, but the idea that you could be married for life to a sexually incompatible person is terrifying to many.
Modern generations are far more liberated than preceding post war generations and consequently their priorities and check lists when dating are very different. Post AIDS, it is true that the most recent generations cannot be compared directly with the 60's generations in terms of free sex and open relationships due to simple health factors. Therefore dating does adapt with each new generation. New attitudes develop every 10 to 15 years so dating is a dynamic that has no presets you can argue. However, I come back to the same part of the equation as before, dating is a test of compatibility with the same long term goal, longer term or permanent union between two people.
The real change has been in recent years with the creation and development of a professional dating industry. From advisers and lifestyle experts to dating coaches and relationship counselors, to dating books and self-help videos. Then you have the plethora of dating agencies both on and off the Internet all aimed at help bringing people together. Dating hasn't gone anywhere, the desire for people to meet others is as strong as ever, and its become international due to new communication methods. Its now possible for people in Washington DC and Kuala Lumpur to get chatting online in seconds and form some meaningful relationship within a few hours. So all is not bad.
Like it or not, we are still the serious dating people we always were, and we still crave relationship stability. Skeptics can argue all they like that people don't want to marry anymore but I disagree, I think we just have different standards. It perhaps just takes more work in our dating lives, that's all.
by Ian McNeice
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Are you too available?
Here is a truth, most people are too
available. Far too available when dating. Think about the things you
aspire to, good clothes, expensive Italian car perhaps, Tiffany jewelry,
Rolex watches, a 100 foot yacht. Whatever. The fact is, the things
we most want or desire in life are often the least accessible. Things
are seen to be worthwhile because they are rare. Rarity is the key
ingredient here. The less we can get hold of something, the more we
want it after the initial need or feeling of desire is created.
the catwalk supermodel to Brad Pitt, we can dream but we cannot have.
And that, my friends is the point of this article. When you date stop
being so available, stop being at the end of a phone, stop being available
24 hours a day and start being elusive. Why? Because for the reasons
I have just said. Create the need and then remove it and the desire
factor goes through the roof.
piece of advice is that it is extremely difficult for mere mortals
to do. When we meet someone we really like we stop playing games,
we want to be with them, we want to see them 24 hours a day, our waking
hours are devoted to our next meeting. The problem is, our date may
not see things the same way and soon boredom can set in. Worse, by
being too available we cheapen our own attractiveness, we become far
less rare, far more common and sadly far less desirable.
to be enigmatic and elusive and stop being so available. A friend
of mine worked in a bar in new York and was always attracting girls
but he never appeared to get anywhere after the first couple of dates.
He is a lovely guy and probably one of the most reliable men I have
ever met. He wanted to know why women seemed to lose interest in him
and stopped calling so we performed an experiment. He was asked not
to call the women he dated, maybe once but after that let the women
chase. They would leave messages, he didn't reply, if he did it was
a while later. So they would pop into the bar to see him but he never
offered to make new arrangements first though he maintained their
interest levels and very soon he discovered that the girls were now
chasing him! The point here was that he had become elusive, he had
an air of mystery now, he was someone the girls wanted to get to know.
He was a challenge.
that I have let myself become too available. I had to learn the hard
way. I met a beautiful girl whilst working in New York City and it
appeared to be perfect from the moment we met, so much so that I threw
my dating rules out of the window and we spent almost two full weeks
together. Then all of a sudden it stopped. And she wanted to call
things off. The fact was that I had become too available for her,
I was there whenever she wanted, I had altered my routine too soon,
too quickly and too much for things to work out. Of course I was available
for all the right reasons but it had completely the wrong effect.
I lost the girl.
all means get started down the dating path but ensure that you keep
to your regular schedule and don't be available every day. If you
are free both days a the weekend, one is for you, one is for your
date at first. If you are free Tuesday and Thursday for dinner, let
them know which is better for you. If they suggest Tuesday, you suggest
Thursday. Don't call so frequently (which is extremely hard to do)
and don't always answer your phone (yes really) and make sure that
you can bring plenty of separate activity information back to your
date when you do meet up.
the dates you will have will be all the more spectacular. For many
of you reading this you will think I am crazy or have misgivings about
trying to do this and I bet that many of you won't listen when you
meet the person you are crazy about. The fact is, the less available
you are to a degree, the more likely you will succeed in getting your
Mr. Right. Create the demand, become the diamond and then become as
difficult as a top jewelers to get into, but sustain the desire factor
- that's the way it works.
Sunday, March 26, 2006
Being single means different things to each of us. For some it is a way of life. For a small minority, it is the way we always will be. For most of us, its is a constant battle with optimism. Hope springs eternal they say. We weren't designed to spend our lives alone. For the solitary monk it may be a life of dedication but for us mere mortals, its is a state of being that we hope is temporary.
Being single is not easy. It means first of all that we are daily responsible for every decision we make. We can't share decision making because there is no one close enough to share things with. We trust our friends but we will not have formed as close a bond as we do in a long term personal relationship. Therefore it us up to us to decide what we do each day, whether we go to work, what we will have for dinner, where we will go at a weekend, what we do on vacation and where and how we socialize.
When we get home in an evening there isn't anyone there (which is why so often we have cats and dogs) to welcome us. We prepare dinner alone (or don't bother), run a bath, take a shower and generally live a solitary existence punctuated by our social life and friends as well as work routine. One of the primary issues about being single is not being able to discuss things on our mind when we want to. In social circles we can to an extent and we may call up friends on the phone but this lacks the deeper understanding and compassion we receive from a close partner in a relationship.
We like to play ideas off each other, discuss, talk, think aloud and have pillow talk about the future. All of this is missing when single. Occasional dates or romantic encounters may provide passing closeness but in effect we remain single still. There is something interesting on the TV, but we won't chat about that until we are at work. We have an ailment that worries us, who do we discuss that with? There is an issue with a person at work, what should we do. Friends and family play their part but they don't fill that singleness we are likely to feel.
Cooking for one is a painful experience. What is the point of cooking a nice meal if there is no one to share it with. There is a great movie but we will watch it alone. We need to go shopping and get something new for the apartment but we are going to have to do without the fun of deciding together. Then of course there is sex. Sex-for-one is well known to most singles but its generally not what we were designed for.
Close relationships offer companionship, understanding, empathy, friendship as well as love and romance and without them, we are pretty much left to our own devices to fill that void. When we are younger there is so much to focus on that it may not be such an issue but as we get older we begin to discover that visiting the wonders of the world alone is deeply dissatisfactory.
Being single is a heightened sense because our society emphasizes couples. From meals for two in the grocery store, to paying for single supplements in hotels; much is set against the single person. Why do we pay extra for a single bed when on vacation? The we have our friends who are in couples which does much to heighten our sense of singledom. Dinner parties mean we are excluded due to not having a partner, or we are matched up with some geek we have little in common with by friends desperate to pair us off.
Adult society in the West is made up of approximately 33% single people and this is increasing at a remarkable rate. Admittedly in many areas of the service industry, singles are being seen as a new market and opportunities to cash in on single life are steadily coming into the market place. But again it emphasis a state of play we may not wish to be reminded of. When we set off outdoors on a weekend we will encounter many many couples along the way and we find ourselves wondering what it is about them that got them together when we are total treasures that no one appears to discover?
Therefore being single means being optimistic. It means keeping positive in the face of adversity. That adversity manifests itself through the thought in the back of our heads that whispers 'what if..'. What if we meet someone tomorrow, what if we spend out lives alone and never meet anyone again, what ever we never fall in love, what if no one actually likes us, what if we were meant to remain single. And it is this whispering that we fight to keep at bay daily by fighting to remain optimistic.
Optimism comes from the general knowledge that most of us will meet someone, we will find Mr. or Miss Right soon enough. But as we get older, we start to worry, even start to silently panic. If we are to meet our perfect match it has to happen before we are too old. We would like it to happen whilst we are still young enough. And as anyone in their 30's appreciates, as we get older , so time speeds up. In our twenties, time seemed endless. But as the wrinkles in the corner of our eyes demonstrates, one day we wake up and we are older, much older. And we are still single.
Being single is to an extent a triumph,. It means we have avoided the disappointment of dating disasters, wrong choices, and loneliness within a terrible relationship. It means we still have our own choices and our own sense of direction. We have the full sense of self determination and control over destiny. But at the same time it wears us down. It may be hard to admit, but the vast majority of us don't like being single. In fact we hate it.
We hate it because we don't get to share. We don't get to make happen the sharp image in our head of the perfect relationship we know is possible with the right partner. We have a never ending well of 'giving' that so far has been ignored. We want to give and we want to please. We wish to love and we want that opportunity. We are ready and willing but we are not allowed. Its almost like being in an isolation cell in prison. Being single heightens our sense of the need to give and it heightens the sense of frustration accordingly.
Being single isn't a cornfield full of casual sex, boozy nights, general lack of responsibility and carefree existence over the age of 25. Its a burden that many of us carry. Through failed relationships we have built up a mental list of the things we will never accept again in a relationship and at the same time it provokes and overpowering explanation of what we really do hope for. Being single isn't about choices, it is about circumstances. We know that had we been a certain place, had a certain life, then we probably wouldn't be single. But where we find ourselves today means that we are. Well we are for the time being.
By dating we keep our hopes alive. We realize that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And whilst the most recent suitor may not have been the one for us, at least we are heading in the right direction. And that's how many of us cope with being single. We do everything we can to keep our hopes alive. We convince ourselves that being single is by choice and that we are just waiting to meet the right one. And that's true, that's exactly what we are doing. But the 'what if' whispers away. Our body clocks may tick louder, our hair may thin, but we KNOW we will get there in the end. We hope.
Being single means living with a sense of frustration that little else can match. We don't have the answers as to why we are alone. We even ask 'why me?' This isn't how we have envisaged our lives, this isn't how we saw our future. So why has it happened? What went wrong. Where did we go wrong? Where are all the nice guys and girls. Maybe they have all been snapped up. Maybe there simply aren't any and we are fooling ourselves. Then we remind ourselves of the few examples of great friends in great relationships and this provides us with the temporary proof we need. And then we begin to question ourselves further. We may even question our own judgment, wondered if we have missed our best opportunity to be in a good relationship. Maybe we are simply too choosey? Maybe it really is all our fault. But of course it isn't.
When vacations and national holidays and Christmas or Thanksgiving come along, then we are reminded heavily just what being single feels like. On Valentine's day we are also reminded that we are yet again this year solitary creatures. However this year will be different. We feel it. We have our sights set one on or two potentials and who knows where things may lead. Who knows, by Christmas we could be engaged.
Married people often think the grass is greener on the other side. People in bad relationships dream of the freedom of being single. I have been told many times that I don't know how lucky I am to be single. The next time someone says that to me, I will go over and stick my finger in their eye and remind myself indeed how lucky I am that I decided to do that..all by myself.By Ian McNeice
Source and copyright: http://www.topdatingtips.com/being-single.htm
After being in the dating industry for a while (I own a dating site, too) and doing a lot of research here is the dating sites i suggest you should try:
Saturday, March 11, 2006
Date safe - online
- Never, ever, ever give out any personals information about yourselft such as phone numbers (unless it's not traceable), address, full name, etc. When the time comes to meet somebody you can set up a meeting in a public place - don't invite anybody over to your place for the first date.
- Always remember that until you meet somebody in person they are whoever they want you to think them to be. So be sure to ask for a photo. Not just one photo because it is much harder to 'fake' pictures with multiple photos.
- Communicate. Exchange many email messages and chat online or talk on the phone before you meet. When you chat/talk to others keep track of the conversations, read previous converstaions every so often and look for signs of controversy. If the person you talk to contradicts him/herself you should consider ending your online relationship right there and then.
- When you decide to meet somebody in person always make sure you arrange the meeting during the daytime in a public area wher there are lots of people (cafes are perfect)
- Even if the date goes well do not go home with your date - some people can pretend they are nice but they can turn evil in a blink of an eye. If they are really nice and understanding they will understand your point.
Now that you know what you should keep in mind when you are using online personals websites you can go ahead and sign up to one or more dating sites. Many people sign up for more dating sites to improve their chances of meeing that special person.
I think online dating is a great way to get to know others. For as little as $20-$25 per month you will have access to tens of thousands of profiles in your area! Not to mention free sites.
After being in the dating industry for a while and doing a lot of research here is the dating sites i suggest you should try.
Saturday, February 25, 2006
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